Jest the Funny Bits is a collection of Bill’s comic poems, plays and short stories. He had a lot of fun writing them and he really hopes you have fun reading – and, in the case of the plays, acting in – them. However, spoiler alert, they’re not for everyone. If you’re a humourless sour grumpy-pants, whose face would split in two if you attempted to smile or laugh, then, whatever you do, don’t read this book! Also, since it is sure to induce giggles, it is best not to read it out loud. After all, humour is contagious, so if you start laughing, you could cause of a charge of chuckles, even a gush of guffaws. We’re sure you wouldn’t want that on your conscience. By the end of the book, you may think the author is a very silly person. You’d be right, too, but at least he’s not a humourless grumpy-pants.
Jest the Funny Bits
Jest the Funny Bits is a collection of Bill’s comic poems, plays and short stories. He had a lot of fun writing them and he really hopes you have fun reading them. However, spoiler alert, they’re not for everyone. If you’re a humourless sour grumpy-pants, whose face would split in two if you attempted to smile or laugh, then, whatever you do, don’t read this book!
Bill has written more than 100 children’s books which have been published by companies such as Allen & Unwin, Random House, and Queensland University Press, et al. His writing includes novels, short stories and non-fiction, and collections of plays and poetry. Three of his young adult novels, Dogs, No Worries, and A Straight Line to My Heart, were shortlisted in the Children’s Book Council of Australia Awards. Dogs won the CBCA Honour Book of the Year (2001), No Worries won the CBCA Honour Book of the Year (2006), A Straight Line to My Heart was CBCA Honour Book of the Year (2008), Daredevils was a CBCA Notable Book (2007). His junior novel, The Simple Things (Allen & Unwin) was CBCA short-listed in 2015. No Worries and A Straight Line to My Heart were also shortlisted for the NSW Premier Awards. Bill was the winner of the inaugural Prime Minister’s Literary Award in 2010 for Young Adult Fiction. He was also short-listed for the PM’s Literary Award in 2012. In more recent years his plays, poems, comedic sketches, and short stories have been frequently published in the New South Wales School Magazine. Bill and his wife, the well-known children's author, Dianne (Di) Bates, live on the south coast of New South Wales, Australia. They are both full-time freelance writers.
The Lost City!
Welcome, Thrill Seekers! My name is Bradley D. Mented, and I’m the star of Bradley Does the Impossible! So, settle back in your favourite chair, strap on your seatbelt, and get set for the scariest, most incredible, MOST EXCITING RIDE OF YOUR LIFE!
In today’s amazing episode, I will explore the lost city of Arewethereyet. No one has been to this city for ten thousand years – you can’t get any more lost than that! LET’S DO IT!
You will notice that the picture on your TV screen is jet black. Do not be alarmed.
Everything has gone dark because at this very second, I am climbing down a hole in the desert that leads directly to the lost city.
Ahead of me there are certain to be strange and fearsome creatures. If I’m lucky, there might even be monsters!
It’s dangerous. It’s a death trap. In other words, it’s perfect! Bradley D. Mented eats danger for breakfast!
Bring it on!
I’m sure everyone watching this is shaking in their shoes right now. But just think how much scarier it is for me. Apart from my director, camera crew, medical team, make-up artists, cook, security guards, and Freddy, my teddy, I am completely alone!
Just testing my scream, folks.
(It’s working well.)
Of course, I don’t really think I’ll need to use my scream today because nothing in the whole world scares Bradley D. Mented!
Oh, how I hate those creepy critters, with their ferocious teeth and their big staring eyes and – MOUSE!
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
Tremendous news, Thrill Seekers! I have just broken the world record for climbing out of a hole that leads to a lost city!
While my security guards fight off the mouse, let me tell you a little about someone who is really, really fascinating – me!
For those of you who have been living under a rock, long before I started hosting Bradley Does the Impossible, I was voted as the star with the shiniest teeth! I can’t wait for smiling to become an Olympic sport!
Righty-ho-ho! I’ve just been given the all-clear to go back into the hole, folks. So, the adventure begins again.
Down I go, down, down, and down some more. This hole goes on and on. Hmm . . . I think I might have just worked out why the city was called Arewethereyet. How interesting! Meanwhile, I’m still going down, and falling awfully fast – too fast. Something’s wrong.
Oh no! My rope has snapped!
I’m zooming down the hole.
My director is cheering. My crew is clapping. This is television gold!
There is no way I could possibly survive a fall like this. Unless . . . I haven’t cut my fingernails in ten years, just so I could use them if my rope snapped as I was climbing down a hole to a lost city.
That’s what I call thinking ahead!
Now for the tricky part.
I dig my nails into the sides of the hole.
Ouchie! Errgh! Yikes!
Oh well, who needs fingernails anyway? Not me.
I’m falling faster and faster. But I mustn’t panic.
Calmly, I take out my mobile and make a call.
‘Hello. Is this Police Rescue?’
‘Yes, it is.’
‘Lovely! How are you today?’
‘How can we help you?’
‘Oh yes, I almost forgot. I’m falling to my death, and I’d like to be saved.’
‘Please state your nearest cross-street.’
’There isn’t one. I’m in a hole.’
‘In that case you’ll have to ring the Hole Rescue Service.’
‘But leave it for an hour or so. They’re having lunch now.’
‘Okay. Thanks for your help.’
‘It was nothing.’
Could this be the end of Bradley Does the Impossible? Will I plummet to my death? Will a monster jump out and gobble me up?
Will there be more mice! A normal human being would be terrified!
It’s a lucky thing I’m not normal!
Tune in next week, Thrill Seekers, for another action-packed episode of Bradley Does the Impossible! Until then, let me leave you with this thought – AARRGGHH!
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